but i completely forgot everything.
i lost my lovely friend Jo,
and i don't think i'll be able to find her.
i feel like the family's curse of manic-depressive disorder is creeping into me, and it keeps getting stronger as the days go by.
i mean jeez, who out there sleeps 16 hours a night for 4-5 days then doesn't sleep at all for 3-4 days?
the shadows under my eyes keep getting darker.
- Mood:
awake
i finally feel free from all the marionette strings that were knotted and frayed and all over the place.
the clock that had come to a standstill for a year and a half has starting ticking again.
i feel so free and alive.
i feel like my life begins... now.
- Location:bed
- Mood: awake
I haven't b/ped in 7 days.
This feels amazing and I'm so proud of myself.
THat's the longest i've gone since this started over 2 years ago.
It feels almost surreal that I've accomplished this.
Plus, i love mickey
and i love jo
and i love lisa and samm
for being there for me through all this <33
thank you all
- Location:on my bum
- Music:Spongebob
happy.
finally.
i know what happiness feels like.
mickey's family loves me like i'm their own daughter
i feel such in bliss right now. everything's in its right place.
nirvana.
right now, i don't even know what bulimia is.. that's how great i feel
i',m new clean fresh something pure
i just want to give and give and give..
for the first time in my life, i feel safe, loved, perfect
it's beauitiful and it's real. i'm living it. and i'm soaking up every last drop
- Mood:
creative
Modest Mouse:
Yep, I saw them in concert with my lovely friend Soon Ae.
She called me spur of the moment, like she always does.. and says her friend just gave her 2 tickets because they decided to not go.. and she couldn't find anyone to go with.. so she called me! woot!
We had a great time swaying and headnodding and jumping to the music.
I was still a bit high from earlier zicam-drinking so the music literally fucked me. it vibrated through my body and i pulsated with it.
it was amazing.
and Ian Black was veryvery scruffily looking
they played old songs which i was surprised and chuffed about.. i thought they would only play the new stuff which i don't care for as much..
afterwards though, we couldn't find Soon Ae's car and we walked around downtown forever in the freezing cold.. so mickey had to come pick us up haha.
now i'm in a show-attending mood. and want to go to shows more often again. like i used to..
EXCEPT,
i'm bloddy effin' siiiiiick. oh gawd am i ever sick. stuffy nose, fever, sneeze, runny nose, aches, the whole shebang..
which i think i got from that show.. since, i haven't really been out amongst a lot of people in a long time.
so bah,
when i feel better.. a-show-attending i will go!
- Mood:
sick
i'm putting myself in a clinic because i know it's the only way i'm going to get over this awful disorder. i can't keep living like this. spending all my time and money on food. i could be doing so much more with my life.
so yes,
i may be going away for awhile..
but,
it won't be for awhile.. so i'll be here awhile.
yepyep.
one bulimic to another.
that's how all my days go, lately.
i can't make it stop.
i've even been considering going to a clinic for a month to try to get my thoughts in order.
i don't know how to end this.
can we end together? two against the world. against the eating disorder.
bah.. i'm talking nonsense. it just gets so frustrating when that all you remember to think like that. i can't remember a day when i didn't wake up thinking about food/calories/binging/purging/weight etc.
i always wonder how the rest of the population thinks of when they first wake up.. those foggy thoughts... it's always food for me.. and everything surrounding it. it's tragic really.
gosh.. i should just post this into a journal entry..
i think i'm going to..
just know that i'm here if you want to talk about this type of stuff.. i mean, i can relate to every single word that you've typed in this entry. we're two peas in a pod. <3
My head is poooounndddinngg.
Argggh.
Anyway,
I may be going away for awhile.
I'm scared and apprehensive and nervous.
But,
I know it's for the best.
i'm getting back on track with bulimia..
feeling better than ever and not having cravings/urges to binge..
it feels really just.. amazing.. empowering..
and now i'm off to dye my hair pink!
tralala
;;skipstobathroom;;
- Location:green carpet
- Mood:
energetic - Music:Nirvana - Rape Me
i drain the life out of people..
i suck people dry with my emotions and neediness.. until they're nothing
left.. and they're already disappeared.
i'll never be able keep relationships, romantic or friendship..
i'm a psychic vampire as it has been named.
i've been unhappy my whole life, and everone gives up on me for that reason.
i'm a case of borderline. a mood disorder.
i either am too needy or too distant..
i expect so much from people.. when they're too nice to me.. i feel trapped and like they're too clingy and suffocating
and when they ignore me, i latch myself onto them like a spider and cling for dear life.. obsessing over them..
one day i can be completely enamored by someone..
and think they're so great..
and the next day;
i despise the very ground they walk on and hate them.
i don't know how to be happy. i don't know the chemical combination of happiness.
can i be happy?
or did that piece of DNA forget to attach to me while i was growing inside my mother's womb.
i give off a miserable vibe.. and make other miserable along with me.
i dunno anymore.'
i think..
i give up.
- Location:floor
- Mood:
aggravated
I've spent a good part of the past couple weeks sleeping the days away,
it's like my body's trying to make up for all the nights and days I spent sleepless and buzzing awake in a whirlwind of insomnia.
I've spent more time existing in the land of my subconscious.. caught up in my dreams not knowing how to escape. I've only been conscious in the waking world for a couple hours here and there to maybe eat something, check my messages but not reply to anyone [sorry!] for lack of energy to, and then dive back into slumber.
The last time I was really awake for a good amount of time was last Thursday, when I was high on dex. And now it's Monday. Jeez, I need to get back on track and actually start living my life again.
I missed last group meeting on Thursday due to being too high to drive to it, and lacking the energy to go there and spill my emotional guts. I feel guilty for not attending, and now I feel out of the loop for it all. :/
I've completely ignored any of my internet friends.. and ignored focusing on any kind of recovery from dex and bulimia. And have pretty much given up on any pursuing of getting a social life back anytime soon. I feel really unproductive and stagnant.
And yet, on the other hand, I feel happy right now. And content in my lazy non-schedule-heavy life. I'm content right now to do.. really.. nothing at all. To not progress, to just be.
Fuck trying to make myself better. Maybe I should just focus on relaxing for once, and letting things happen as they may.. without me constantly worrying and not doing enough or not trying enough.
Maybe this new nonactive approach will do me more good.
For right now, I'm happy just lazing around with Mickey and my cats, playing videogames and getting high. :)
As Albert Einstein once said.. the best way to solve a problem, is to not think about it. The solution will usually come to you then.
- Location:wrapped up in a blanket
- Mood:
mellow
I'm finally living in the present moment. Enjoying the present, not dwelling on the past or fearing the unknown future.
I'm living in this moment, because really the present moment is all we have.
And I'm loving this moment I'm in;
this moment,
and this one.
and this one too.
:)
so much is clear to me now..
i've been high for so long, that i was in this fog, that i've finally passed through.
i'm sober now, and i'm seeing that so much i thought made me happy, really doesn't.. it was just the drugs making it seem that i was happy doing what i was doing and experiencing what i was experiencing.
mickey and i had a long talk about everything that has happened to me and him through these dex days. and everything that i did and did not enjoy certain thin sober and unsober.
so many people i thought were so great, really ended up not being so great through sober eyes.
the truth and reality of everything has finally struck me.
and now, i need to see what i truly enjoy sober. not what i think i enjoy, but really don't.
i've come to realize that i never really enjoyed being high, or i did for the very first honeymoon stage of taking dex.
it's just like anything new. it's great and exciting, and you want it to stay that way forever, so you make yourself believe it's still so great, when really the shine wore off a fucking long time ago.. and you're now left with the rotten truth.
i've spent so long with a broken heart, thinking so many people and events in my life i had once experienced were so great, when it was really just the drugs making it appear that way.
so, now..
i start afresh. a new start. in a light devoid of confusion.
without shading the world in rose-coloured glasses , i will now test, through trial and error, everything..
to discover the things that really, truly make me happy.
and those things may not seem to make me happy at first, because it's not on the fairytale level that dex has made it apper to be,
but that's okay. i can't keep dreaming forever.
it's a nice place to visit, but i wouldn't want to live there.
..then i wouldn't be truly living, right?
it'd be just a dream. that's all. a fleeting one.
- Mood:
determined
- I've been going to group therapy for my eating disorder and it's really opened my eyes and made me stop and really think. What does make me happy? Obviously, as comforting and safe as my eating disorder may feel, it doesn't make me happy. There are so many other things in my life that make me truly happy. Not this false sense of comfort that self-destructive behaviors give me. So, I'm making a list to remind myself of the things that are good in my life and do make me happy. I'll keep adding on to it for quite some time, maybe i'll never stop adding on to it.. as i get better and recover, i think the happy things will start piliing up more and more, and outweigh the bad things.
Things that make me happy: - Feeling the warmth of the sun on my skin
- Being told "I love you" and feeling/knowing that it really is true
- Beating a really hard part of a videogame after countless tries at it
- Enjoying a glass of wine and some cheez-its with Mickey
- Dressing up to do a photoshoot and modeling to the camera
- Watching Sora and Yuni play together and run around the apartment
- Dancing to various rap music in my undies [ooo baby, i like it raw]
- Compacting to make smaller trash fit into bigger trash - an ocd thing I get enjoyment from
- Taking a walk while listening to my mp3 player and just watching the world go by
- Working on a really tough jigsaw puzzle
- Inside jokes
- Watching funny YouTube videos [e.g. Chris Crocker, SNL Jeopardy Skits and Will Ferrel spoofing
Harry Carey] - Yoga
- Making commentary/people watching with Mickey in my car - parked at grocery stores
- Listening to the random guys talk on their headsets on XBox Live
- Acting like a goof in public and not caring what people think of me
- Putting a cute outfit together
- Having s good thrift-shopping day - Finding really neat old things
- Painting abstract art
- Learning new things at college/school
- Making/Sipping a cup of warm tea when I first wake up
- Hearing rude but cute jokes from Mickey
- Sora and Yuni (my two lovely cats) snuggling up to me with a loud purr when I'm relaxing in bed or curled up in a blanket
- Receiving/giving massages
- Have a good first conversation/meeting with someone new
- Late night chatting on AIM (edited Oct 3rd)
- Location:apartment
- Mood: content
so we were at wal-mart checking out..
and i went to put the shopping basket back,
and just as i walked away, this really large overweight chick..
attempts to crack a joke about me to the cashier and the people behind her..
mickey said that she said "kids these days don't get enough nutrition. we don't want them ending up anorexic like HER and points at me and laughs..
then as soon as she said that, she turning to look back at mickey and it hit her that i was with him and she turns her head to mickey just staring not blinking at all and he says in a calm but obviously pissed off voice "that's my fucking girlfriend you just said that about." then she attempted to make some bullshit excuse "oh.. i just blurt out what i'm thinking sometimes" and he said "for your information, she's not anorexic, she just doesn't overeat and stuff herself like you and the rest of overweight americans"
and then she went silent, and completely went red in the face, as mickey kept staring at her..
mickey was being like our protective cat sora one time when we went through the taco bell drive thru with him in the car.. Sora jumped up like "Who the fuck are you? WhatWHAT?" And almost pounced on the guy at the window
haha
i love my protective pisces boys <3
- Mood: loved
i had visuals that i could control..
i felt myself going into my brain as if it were a computer..
and selecting bulimia files and low self esteem files and self-destructive files.. and deleting them.. throwing them in the Recycle Bin
I saw myself as how I've always wanted to be, an organic healthy eater who is slim, but strong and have some muscle on me..
I really think i shut off all the triggers in my brain that we're reacting with disordered eating..
i feel so alive and clear headed and new.
i haven't even thought about food/binging or anything since that i experienced.
i feel like i just cracked this shell of bulimia that was holding me in and destroying me for so long.
it's wonderful to not think about, for it not to control my life.
i hope this is permanent, i think it really will be. i wish i hope
- Mood: awake
- Music:ima robot - lovers in captivity
it literallly feels like my brain is on a skillet on High..
and that's not very good;
i hope this isn't permanent.. eeep
I just feel really braindead. i want my memory/thoughts/abilitiy to concentrate back!
arrr dxm is sooo great, yet soooooo bad
- Location:not sure
- Mood:fried
- Music:some rap coming from EA Skate Mickey's playing
in so many different aspects of my life
i have bonded with mickey so deeply, i never have this much with anyone before;
i need mickey, and mickey needs me; cool kids belong together
i just realized that i keep puttig up these blockades in front of me.. as far as education, jobs, relationships, even recovery. i put obstacles up so that i feel i'm too inept to even begin to break things down and work step by step.
i know now that only I... ME.. can make my dreams/aspirations/wants/goals come true. i can't just feel like the goal is unattainable and give up. i just have to break it down into smaller pieces. and work my way up to the final goal.
this all sounds so common sense, but i guess it just really hit me and sank into my head.
i'm finally thinking in reality. my mind feels clear and ready to start.
my head is foggy at best. i walk like a zombie or robot or old man..
everything keeps spinning for hours upon hours;
this is why i don't take the albertson's stuff.
it doesn't stop.
hooked.
but i love it all the same <3
- Location:unknown
- Mood: high
- Music:ima robot
i had the best of the best highs last night.
so it waaas lexapro that messed up my highs..
i finally didn't feel overheated and sweaty and yuck..
it is a glorious day!
i had a high like the old days :D
- Mood: jubilant
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